Weak men resort to censorship; strong men resort to addressing and arguing.
Disagree with that, I dare you.
You genuinely write and behave, despite being a grown adult (you were in the community too long to still be a minor I think you've been for many years) as if you are some angsty teen with issue.
It's not like there aren't other guys, me included, who hadn't had trauma and a phase where we were angry at the world and wanted others to feel that rage. If it wasn't for Lord Jesus to some degree I'd still feel that and it still does arise as you're never fully sinless, I just quieten it the right way.
I strongly recommend you to go back to Christianity but as I know you are of Italian heritage and know much more now about why the Catholic approach doesn't properly work despite it achieving some good for sure, I recommend you take the Baptist approach if it's nearby. Specifically baptist over pentecostal but evangelical approach is one of the best to feel the Lord's actual love, rather than merely to feel shame.
You operate as someone filled with rage and hatred. This is Satan. I predict you are not just being Satanically influenced on-and-off but you have a literal demon within you long-term possessing you.
I want you to try something, really try it. This is from one autistic guy to another, I take you on your word if you say you tried it and it failed but I ask you not to lie.
get into a relaxed but not slouchy position, stretch if needed. really focus hard. If you want, get an app primarily made for Jewish people and face Jerusalem. It will also help if you do it on your knees but this is not a requirement, definitely bow your head.
And say the following (it ends with more words than the Catholic one ends, so pay attention):
pause between each line. say it slowly.
“Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be Thy name;
Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
and forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us;
and lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom,
and the power,
and the glory,
for ever and ever.
Amen."
If willing say it 3 times yes 3. It is a sacred number.
Afterwards, see what happens to you and your life and if things happen, don't take them or the signs for granted.